Sometimes I really want things to just get easier. I can’t help it. I do. I know I probably seem like a bratty bellyacher even thinking like that, but today … I really can’t seem to help myself.Sometimes I get tired of all the struggles. Sometimes I just deeply crave simple. And easy. There. I said it.
Bratty or not … today simple and easy is what this tired girl wants.
I’m coming off a tough few months that have been full of stress, letdowns, grief, roadblocks and setbacks. I feel like my entire family has been swimming upstream through it all, and today I’m just feeling extra weary from it all. (Read When God just sees things different than Mama. and On missing Gary. if you’d like to catch up.)
And I’m grumpy.
To complicate things, my immune system has been crazy this week, and I’m super exhausted from my body both attacking and defending itself at the same time. Think about it. It works twice as hard doing both.
No wonder I’m so tired.
These flares happen randomly all the time, but they also happen every, single year when I get my flu shot (or ANY vaccine, really). I got mine on Monday, and my delicate little coping balance has been thrown completely out of whack all week as a result. Steroids help somewhat, but they steal my sleep and make me incredibly restless. Which exhausts me all the more.
And makes me even grumpier.
So I laid there in this morning’s very early darkness feeling tired and quite discouraged. I was supposed to go help people today. That sure wasn’t going to happen. Not with my strength this depleted. So I just laid there thinking.
Sometimes I really have no idea what God is doing.
Why does every, single thing need to feel so difficult?
Obviously He’s given me a bit of a challenging story to live out and, after a few years of learning to cope, I’m okay with that now (she says). I don’t even question that anymore. Really, I don’t. (really???).
He’s also given me the task of not only finding the beauty in my story, but opening myself up to pointing others to it, as well. No matter how ugly my thoughts.
Be honest, Debi. Shine that spotlight on those thoughts. Speak them out loud.
My problem today, though, is that every single time I think I’ve figured out just HOW I’m supposed to do any or all of this, something changes. Somehow … SOMEHOW things are just made slightly more difficult. Constantly. It could be health stuff, work stuff, home stuff, even “Growing Nurse Debi” stuff. It doesn’t matter which.
The screws just seem to be perpetually tightened. Never loosened. Nope. Not even a single, tiny bit. Just tighter and tighter they turn.
So I wonder what would happen if things suddenly started getting easier for me? Do I dare even think about that?
I would probably feel better and have a lot more energy, that’s for sure. I’d be able to think more clearly and get more done. I would definitely have more adventures and be more fun to be around. And I bet I’d be a whole heck of a lot less grumpy, as well.
But would I be walking so closely with Jesus?
Would I be leaning at all on His strength?
Would I so desperately search for beauty?
Would I be too dazzled by “easy” to even look for it?
Would I care about pointing others to hope?
Would I open myself up at all?
Would I invite anybody in?
Would I even be sitting here thinking these thoughts or writing these words?
Oh, wait … I think I get it now. Praise be.
Thanks for growing with me. ❤
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)