I woke up today at 0500 pretty much in agony. The entire right upper quadrant of my head was caught in a grip of searing pain that centered behind my right eye, and just radiated outward from there. So nauseous. So weak. Joints groaning. Too stiff to move. Too uncomfortable not to. So profoundly exhausted. But now oh, so wide awake.
With my Lupus flares, migraines happen pretty regularly. I’ve felt this particular pain building behind my eye for a few days now. At first it was only a nag I’d feel when blinking, but yesterday I could feel its ugly growing increasingly worse as the day wore on.
I know what to do when this happens, so last night I took all my extra medicine and went to bed like a good girl, ever hopeful that today would be a better day. Sometimes that actually works.
Once I realized how bad I actually was this morning, I knew I had to do something. My husband asked if I needed to go to the Emergency Room. The pain was bad enough that I almost, almost said yes. But then I remembered. I know too much about what happens when you go there. There was no hemorrhaging. There was no chest pain. And I was pretty sure there was no stroke. Nope. Definitely not going there. Not today.
I did drag myself to the doctor, though, after choking down coffee, an entire Mountain Dew, and two Excedrin Migraines. I actually showered, got dressed, and sat in an obnoxiously bright waiting room with my sunglasses on looking so pale that people were actually staring at me. Then I endured all those “new patient” questions because, of course, my doctor was not working today.
And guess what this nice new doctor finally told me? I have a migraine. Yep. And by looking at my weakness and my tender, swollen joints, it’s probably due to a Lupus flare. And I should probably think about taking my extra medicine to help calm it down. Oh, and she refilled my migraine script which is really the only reason I even went in the first place.
I drove home pretty much frustrated. About pretty much everything. Let’s just say that life has not been easy lately, folks. And not for anyone I love, either. It’s all just been so unbelievably unbelievable.
So when I parked my car in the garage, I just sat there, exhausted from the past few weeks, and actually quite weak from muscling through the past hour of trying to look normal to the world around me. That’s what people with chronic, invisible illnesses do, you know. We don’t fake being sick … we actually fake being well.
I finally got out of the car and looked outside the garage at my front garden. As my eyes squinted in the brilliant sunlight, I saw these daylilies and just couldn’t take my eyes off of them.
Yes, they’re pretty. But, at that moment, they were so much more than that to me. They were little pockets of lovely. Radiant little beacons of hope that permeated my fog. Yes, they were actually like little visual hugs from my Abba Father.
Their beauty stopped me from dwelling on all my morning woes, and reminded me that no matter how I feel, or what this day or even the next or the next may ultimately hold, God was speaking Himself to me. To me.
Right now … right here in my garden, straight through my terrible headache.
This thought silenced my discouragement. I can’t make my headache go away, but that’s okay. I can’t make the ugly of our world go away either. I can’t heal the hurts, cure the diseases, silence the cries, or even soften a single heart. I can’t do any of those things. But, again, that’s okay.
What I can do, though, is choose to leave it all at the feet of the One who can. The Creator and Fixer of everything. Every. Blasted. Stinky. Thing.
So no matter how powerless I may be feeling today, I do have the ability to choose my attitude. Even through my headache and squinty eyes I can choose to look for His glimpses of beauty in this world.
Yes, I can absolutely do that. Funny thing is, I know this, and if you think about it, I actually spend some time writing about this, too. But I obviously need reminding. This sinful girl actually needs lots of reminders.
So, because of this – no matter how I may feel, no matter how many hurts may plague my sweet loves or rock this crazy, messed-up world – I’m now reminded again how I need to look at it.
I can choose to view it all with hope. And confidence. With renewed strength, and a heart full of compassion. I can walk with an awareness of His presence, I can wonder at His infinite creativity. I can stand in awe of His generosity, and walk in a brand new faith in His power. I can absolutely trust in His wisdom, draw comfort in His plan for me, and shine with an unwavering assurance of His precious, omniscient love.
I can choose this and, yes … no matter what you may be facing today, my friends … you can choose this, too.
Thanks for growing with me. ♡
“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)