When you have to tell yourself to just stop it. Really.

20150924_18004329835753.jpgI can actually pinpoint the moment it happened. It was Friday afternoon, and I was stuck in a snarled bottleneck of our yummy Orlando traffic. I was on my way to a doctor’s appointment, and was fighting my way through town just as they were setting up for a giant fall festival this weekend.

This was when the weariness hit. Bam.

This is not a gradual “getting tired” as the day wears on. This just happens. Literally like someone pulls the plug on my drain. Or pokes a hole in my balloon. Actually it’s more like a dirty, rotten pickpocket who sneaks up behind me and silently snatches my wallet.

Just like that … the place where I keep my strength … it’s gone. Empty. And I never even saw it coming. This is the underhanded sucker punch of Lupus.

Now my arms feel unbelievably heavy as I steer the car. My head just wants to lie back and rest. Just for a minute. I’m not sleepy, though. Just bone-weary. I’m okay, just spent. Depleted. Absolutely wiped out. It feels like I have to use every bit of my everything to just hold myself in human form so I don’t just melt down into an oozy puddle of Debi all over the floorboard of my car.

That’s how Lupus tired feels. You’re just suddenly all melted and oozy.

As I finally got to my appointment, I gave myself a pep talk to help me muscle through the next hour. You can do this, Debi. Just fake normal. You can do it. Then you can go home and take a nap. Everything is always better after a nap.

This is a relatively new doctor I’m seeing today. Another specialist. Today he’s going to tell me the results of some tests I had done last week. These were not fun tests. Not at all. And not only did he put me through all that, but now he’s telling me results that I don’t want to hear.

I don’t think I like this new doctor very much. Just kidding. Maybe.

Life keeps getting more complicated, my friends. The news he gave me was not a devastating thing, but in my weakened weariness that afternoon, I felt pretty devastated to just have another “thing”.

Something else on the list. More symptoms. More to watch. More to be careful about. More doctors. More tests. More treatments. More questions. More waiting rooms. More pills to choke down. Just more, more, more, more, more, more, more.

I’ve already shared with you about my last flare. It basically stole a month from my life and I guess I’m still stinging a bit from it. But I’ve fought my way back and I’m ready to put all that behind me now, and simply move forward. Press on. Rebuild my strength. Live my life. Take care of my people.

I really don’t want another “thing” right now. I just don’t.

I live on such an emotional roller coaster because of all of this Lupus nonsense that sometimes I just want to ignore it all. Forget about it. Pretend it’s not there.

So the next morning I put all that “bleh” doctor news from yesterday away and just decided to be happy that I woke up well enough to work that day. I was still weary, but not any worse, surprisingly.

That night I came home from the hospital even happier that I made it through the day and I actually helped people. One more shift, and then I’m off till Thanksgiving. There’s just no better feeling than all of that to fall asleep with, people.

All that happy came crashing down, though, as I woke at 0200 with a horrible migraine and the chaotic spinning of my world. After almost a month, the wretched vertigo just suddenly returned and I couldn’t even sit up, let alone go nurse for 12 hours.

Life interrupted. Again. Commitments canceled. Again. I hate this randomness. So very much. Stupid Lupus.

I wish I could handle it all better. I wish the randomness wouldn’t throw me each and every time. I wish I could stop being so discouraged by circumstances. I wish I could be stronger in my faith. I wish I could trust His plan more. I wish I could stop being afraid for the future. I wish the adding of one more “thing” wouldn’t muck up all my hope so much. I wish I could stop whining about it all. I get so tired of all this heaviness. I wish I could just feel more joy. I wish I could just be free from all of this baggage.

So this is where I just tell myself to stop it. In the dark with my head screaming and my world spinning. Just stop it. Stop wishing for all of these things. Stop wanting things to change. Stop being so discouraged.

Just stop it.

Walk in faith.

Trust His plan.

Stop fearing the future.

Don’t lose hope.

And please … stop whining. Please.

Reflect on His promises.

Take captive your thoughts, woman.

Make them obedient to Him.

To who you are in Christ.

You are His.

You know this.

You’re His beloved.

An easy life doesn’t set you free.

He does.

He died for you.

He did that for you.

Now … because of that, you can do this for Him.

You can.

Just stop it.

Just breathe.

Just rest.

The hands that formed you, hold you still.

Thanks for growing with me. ❤

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

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