On becoming through the stench.

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Walking this mysterious path of Lupus has changed my life in countless ways. As in innumerable – as in I can’t even begin to list them – not now, not ever.Its invasion was a rude, underhanded sucker punch that hit me squarely in the gut about 3 years ago, and its growing stench has wafted into every single part of my everything. Nothing has been left untouched – just ask my poor family and friends. They’ve all held a front-row seat to this bizarre show.

So … as this disease has gotten a little more comfortable inside my body, Lupus continues to try to rip things from me that I thought were mine. You know what I mean – those things that made me “Debi”. My nonstop energy … my strength … my involvement … my freedom … my passion for planning … my love for hard work … my lifelong romance with the sunshine … these all have taken very direct, very painful hits.

There’s none of those now – Lupus gets to own those parts of me. After all the years that I’ve worn all of these like a cozy sweater, they’re not at all who I get to be now. No, they’re not. All those things that were once important to Debi have been made somehow different. And believe me, Debi is definitely not a fan of this. Not. A. Fan.

Wow. Can you tell it’s been a bit rough lately?

In all honesty, though, I know very well that Lupus isn’t stealing anything from me. Even though it’s painful, and it feels sometimes like a rude and underhanded attack, Lupus did not sucker-punch me from out of nowhere. No, it did not.

This has always been God’s plan for my life. And I trust that it’s good. Because I trust Him.

Some may bristle at that and ask how I could trust a God who would allow me to hurt? But, I ask how could I not?

He created me – every cell contains His fingerprints. He knows me – even before I ever knew Him. He sustains me – with every breath, every drop of water. He loves me – no matter how clumsy I can be. He forgives me – over and over again. He’s been faithful all my life – even when I’ve not been faithful to Him. He’s proven His love, proven His wisdom, proven His strength time and time again in my life – and through all of history.

Why would I ever doubt that He’d allow anything but what’s best for me? Looking back at what He’s already done simply won’t allow for anything but total trust in what He’s bringing.

Even though I may rant – my sinful self can’t help it sometimes – I have to admit that I already see how He’s changing me for the better through this. I can see things differently now – with more depth. I see so much more substance in the seemingly mundane.

That’s why He’s slowed me down so much. He’s using Lupus to turn my chin towards what He wants me to see, what I so desperately need to see.

Did you know that when you’re forced to step out of the sunshine you can now better appreciate the delicate dance of its lights and shadows? I was too busy being blinded by its brightness to see this.

Did you know that when you stop working so very hard to make sure that every single thing is beautiful, you can then finally see just how stunning things already are? All that planning, all that running … I was chasing my tail.

Did you know that there is true beauty in pain? It rises from the ashes. It does.

Did you know that there’s also hidden pain beneath beauty? You can see it if you take the time to look. It’s there.

Did you know that mourning who you were really isn’t as important as embracing who you are becoming? There is a season and great purpose to both.

Did you know that sometimes the very thing that you think is stealing your freedom is instead what’s actually setting you free? Indeed.

Thanks for growing with me.  

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

2 thoughts on “On becoming through the stench.

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