Sometimes I really just want things to get easier. I can’t help it. I just do. I know I probably seem like a bratty bellyacher even thinking like that, but today … I really can’t seem to help myself.
Sometimes I get tired of all the struggles. Sometimes I just deeply crave simple. And easy. There. I said it. Bratty or not … today I just want simple and easy.
I’m coming off a tough week that’s been full of stress, letdowns, roadblocks and setbacks. Nothing catastrophic, mind you, but I’ve been swimming upstream through it all and I’m feeling downright weary today. And grumpy.
To complicate things, my immune system has been crazy lately and I’m super exhausted from my body both attacking and defending itself at the same time. Infection has thrown off any delicate balance I had managed to find recently and I’m now forced off my Lupus meds until the antibiotics can do their job. Steroids help somewhat with the inevitable flare from this, but they also steal my sleep and make me incredibly restless. Which exhausts me all the more. And makes me grumpy.
So I laid there in this morning’s very early darkness feeling tired and quite discouraged. And thinking that I just really have no idea what God is doing. Why does every, single thing have to be so difficult?
Obviously He’s given me a bit of a challenging story to live out and, after a few years of learning to cope, I’m okay with that now (she says). I don’t even question that anymore. Really. (REALLY?).
He also gave me the task of not only finding the beauty in my story, but opening myself up to pointing others to it, as well. No matter how ugly my thoughts. Shine that spotlight on them, He said. Speak them out loud. And I’m thrilled and honored at the calling. And slightly embarrassed at times.
My problem today, though, is that every single time I think I’ve figured out just HOW I’m supposed to do any or all of this, something changes. Somehow … SOMEHOW things are just made slightly more difficult. Constantly. It could be health stuff, work stuff, home stuff, even “Growing Nurse Debi” stuff. It doesn’t matter which.
The screws just seem to be perpetually tightened. Never loosened. Nope. Not even a single, tiny bit. Just tighter and tighter they turn.
Annnnnnd … here we are. You’ve just been welcomed in to Debi’s tired, grumpy, and achey Saturday afternoon pity party.
So I wonder what would happen if things suddenly started getting easier for me? Do I dare even think about that? I would probably feel better and have a lot more energy, that’s for sure. I’d be able to think more clearly and get more done. I would definitely have more adventures and be more fun to be around. And I bet I’d be a whole heck of a lot less grumpy, as well.
But would I be walking so closely with Jesus? Would I be leaning at all on His strength? Would I so desperately search for beauty? Would I be too distracted by “easy” to even look for it? Would I care about pointing others to it? Would I open myself up at all? Would I invite anybody in? Would I even be sitting here thinking these thoughts or writing these words?
Oh, wait … I get it now. Praise be.
Thanks for growing with me. ❤
“So Much for my Sad Song” by Chris Rice is guaranteed to end any pity party with just one listen. It sure busted up mine today. Give it a listen and smile with me.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)