I’m now entering week two of this strange season of feeling quiet. This doesn’t mean that I’ve suddenly fallen mute, or stopped functioning socially. I can still enjoy conversation, work, sing, and laugh just like everybody else. It’s not what comes out of my mouth that’s changed lately, but what’s in my heart. It just feels … quiet. It’s been very bizarre, but I’ve had confidence all along that it was from God – he just wanted me quiet for right now.
Today, though, I had a moment of clarity where I realized what’s actually been going on. It’s ME causing this quietness. Not God. It’s me. I feel quiet because I’m feeling thrown. Absolutely thrown.
Up until recently, I’ve been adjusting well to my new normal of living with chronic illness … albeit in small, painful baby steps. Through it all, though, I’ve remained confident that our big, amazing God loves me enough to give me the grace and strength I need to live out his story for me.
But things have become more challenging lately – and more difficult to accept. Flares, new joint involvement, ups and downs, starts and stops … the roller coaster has been exhausting. And scary. There are times where I feel like I’m getting a little glimpse into my future.
There are times when these glimpses really frighten me.
I realize now that this is what has quieted me. I’ve allowed myself to become paralyzed by the uncertainty of my future. Logically, I’m well aware that none of us can ever truly know what our futures hold. I know that. And, from my heart of faith, I also know that it really doesn’t matter anyways because the One who holds our future is far greater than anything that can ever happen to us – nothing can ever rip us from his loving hands. What could there possibly be to fear?
Yet, somehow, I’ve allowed this feeling to creep in. Somehow, I’ve allowed dread to dull my hope for whatever God has in store for me. Somehow, I’ve let myself become discouraged. Somehow, I’ve opened myself up to being quieted.
Somehow, this quietness that I thought held great teaching from God was actually riddled with taunting from Satan. He’s been actively trying to steal my joy and fill my heart with fear. And somehow, I’ve been weak enough to let him.
I confess all of this to you to encourage you through my weakness. Don’t believe the lies. No matter what you’re dealing with, don’t let Satan dull your hope or steal your joy. He wants to divide and destroy us. Ignore his taunting.
Jesus came to give us life. An eternal, hope-filled, beautiful life. More than we could ever ask for or imagine. Place your trust in Him. Learn about Him. Saturate yourself in Him. His love is perfect, leaving absolutely no room for fear.
Thanks for growing with me.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear .…” (1 John 4:18)
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)