On harshing my peace bubble.

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One thing that is difficult for me about nursing is that everything is time-sensitive. Every single thing we do. Each task has a deadline, and many can have serious consequences if they’re not accomplished within the appropriate time frame. Actually, pretty much everything we do all day can have serious consequences. Nursing is just a profession with an aura of constant pressure looming beneath the surface because we have people’s lives in our hands.

Many of our tasks have pre-set “due times”. I have no problem with these. These are the manageable ones that we know about at the beginning of the day. We can somewhat plan our day around them. My overly-organized self really likes these because you know what’s expected and when it’s due. This really just works for me. I get an embarrassing amount of comfort from that.

What messes up my beautiful organization, though, are the interruptions. The unexpected. The main problem I have with the unexpected is that there are no rules involved – no organization whatsoever. The unexpected can pop up randomly here and there, or it can all pile on top of you at exactly the same time. It doesn’t matter. It’s there regardless and throws everything off balance. Chaos ensues. It harshes my little bubble of peace.

Another problem I have with the unexpected is that there is always someone waiting at the other end of it. Waiting for me, in fact. Me. There is something they need me to do. Now. It could be menial, it could be life-saving. Sometimes it’s even something ridiculous. But it doesn’t really matter. They’re waiting for me. Right now. Now. It doesn’t matter what else is going on, who else also may need me at this very moment. They’re waiting for me. Now. Me. Now. Waiting.

You can probably tell by now that I’m coming off of working a few days. They were two relatively good days, thankfully. But they were full of interruptions. The unexpected. Nonstop. And they were all waiting for me. Right now. Me. The “nowness” of it all can sometimes get to me after a while. But that’s okay – it’s the nature of nursing. People need you to be there for them. And it’s usually going to be right now.

The beautiful thing is that today I’m sitting on my porch, I’m listening to the rain, I’m being still. And I’m healing. Today I have no plans, and no timeframes to stay within. It’s truly beautiful. There are no phones ringing, no beeps, no chaos. And the best part is that the only one waiting for me right now is my cat who’s staring at me, convinced he’s starving. Right now. Again. He’s not, really.

Isn’t it funny how God made me the way he did to utterly crave order and peacefulness, yet he led me to a career that pretty much laughs at that? Yep – it’s hilarious. Not. It’s actually pretty painful sometimes. And there have been a few mid-shift meltdowns to prove that point. With witnesses, unfortunately.

But I know that God loves me. He’s teaching me to not find peace in my own sense of order. He’s teaching me to find peace in Him. He’s teaching me that he’s right there with me always – especially in the unexpected. Even if it happens today when I least expect it. That’s okay – he’s already there.

He’s teaching me that I’m correct when I think that I can’t do it all – because I can’t. I can only function through his strength. Certainly not mine. It’s never about me. It’s always about him. He’s teaching me that I can’t do anything without him. None of us can.

Thanks for growing with me.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

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