There are many aspects of Lupus that I hate. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s exhausting, painful, and incredibly rude in its unpredictability. I honestly never know how I’m going to feel on any given day, which is really, really frustrating. Some days I feel almost normal – I love these days. Other days I can feel myself sliding downhill towards a flare. I can just feel it coming. Then there are the days that I go to bed feeling fine, only to awaken in the night with unbearable migraines, weakness, nausea, and joint pains. Out of nowhere.
Even when these rough times hit, I still can’t even predict how my body will handle it. There are days where I can get up and muscle through – without anyone even knowing how bad I feel. Days like these, I can go to work, focus on my patients, and sometimes even forget about it for a few hours.
Other days, there is just no graceful way to function. Those days I have to just “check out” of life, curl up under a blanket and sleep it away. Those days are totally lost to Lupus. Can you see the rudeness here?
Monday was really rough like that. Life just stopped. I had so many things I wanted to do, but I simply had no strength. I could do nothing but hurt. So I slept. Yesterday was a bit better, and today I’m better still. And, for this, I’m thankful.
As a nurse, I see people who are very, very sick. Many have no hope for improving. There is no muscling through their days. There is no covering up that they’re feeling sick. Mondays like mine are their reality. And always will be until they’re finally healed and dancing with Jesus.
Because of this – seeing the pain, the fear, the hopelessness that every shift holds – I am always thankful that God has delivered me out of another flare. Obviously, I’m thankful that I feel better because pain is no fun. It hurts.
But I’m also thankful for my hard times because they give me a little peek into the lives that my patients lead. Many don’t get to feel better. Many don’t know days where they can forget they’re sick. Many don’t even make plans because they know they can’t do anything. They just live my Monday every day.
So God gives me this. I can take my Monday with me into the hospital tomorrow with a true heart full of thanksgiving. Not because of the date. Not simply because I’m well enough to take care of them. But because my Monday helps me help them.
And for this, I love Lupus.
Thanks for growing with me. ❤
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)